Everything, Everything

Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

SPOILERS AHEAD

I feel like I can't objectively review this book because I saw the movie first, and so a lot of the emotional tension was removed by knowing the big lie. I knew Madeline wasn't sick. So when Maddy risks everything, her whole life, to go outside, and go with Ollie to Hawaii, instead of feeling the excitement and terror of that trip, I knew she'd be fine. Instead of feeling her love and desire to live a full life, I was just waiting for her to get to the moment when she would know the truth.

I do believe this book is worth reading, and I'm sure there are lots of people for whom it wouldn't matter that they knew the truth. I enjoyed the writing, and believe that love can push you to do incomprehensible, magical things. Maddy and Ollie's love felt natural and organic, and I am glad that the book ended happily. After all the crap Maddy went through in her life, she deserves a happy ending. After much therapy, both for her and her mom, I hope Maddy can forgive her, and they can one day build up the trust they once had.

View all my reviews

A Court of Frost and Starlight

A Court of Frost and Starlight by Sarah J. Maas
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I love these characters, and I love reading about them, but this was pretty short, and with not really any conclusions, it would have made more sense to include parts of this in the upcoming 4th book in the series. Unless that book is going to be primarily focused on Cassian and Nessa (which the sneak peek seemed to hint at), and it would have been out of place to include Feyre's journey with her creative purpose, which in my opinion is the best part of the book. I love that Feyre is trying to find a way to process the terrible things she's gone through via her art, and also that she decides to reach out into their community to help kids who might be dealing with similarly difficult issues.

Nessa. Ugh. I get that she's been through a lot, but so has Elain, and so has Feyre, and they're still trying at least. I feel bad for Cassian, because he's clearly trying, despite not getting anything back from Nessa since the battle.

The Lucien-Elain-Azriel-Morrigan love square is a confusing configuration and I'm can't really figure out how that's going to play out. Mor has been dealing with the fallout of her torture for years, but is it too late for a chance with Azriel now? And what's up with Azriel and Elain's mutual affection? How does Lucien and his mating with Elain play in to things?

The character I'm ready to see the end of most is Tamlin. Seriously. His morose self-pity is so depressing to watch.

I'm ready for book 4, whatever it brings, whenever it brings it!

View all my reviews

Not That Bad

Not That Bad: Dispatches from Rape Culture by Roxane Gay
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

Real and heartbreaking and unapologetically honest. This book of essays doesn't pull any punches, and should be required reading for both men and women. The only way we can attempt to break the cycle of sexual violence and rape culture is by facing it head on and acknowledging the way it has shaped who we are. As editor Roxane Gay explains in her introduction, this anthology is "a place for people to give voice to their experience, a place for people to share how bad this all is, a place for people to identify the ways they have been marked by rape culture."

I appreciate the wide variety of experiences chronicled in these essays. Like many of the essayists, when I compared the things I've experienced in my life with those mentioned in this book, I constantly found myself thinking, "wow, at least that didn't happen to me." And I really *haven't* had anything major happen in my life. But isn't that the whole point of these essays? You can't compare your experiences with anyone else's and deny yourself the right to your own feelings and reactions. Just because you haven't gone through the worst life has to offer doesn't mean you don't deserve the right to claim your trauma, to recover as you feel necessary. Your grief does not invalidate or steal from any one else's.

In The Ways We are Taught to Be a Girl by xTx, she walks us through specific lessons she learned growing up, because she was a girl, and what her takeaway was from each horrific lesson, each with a score that builds and grows the older you get and the more those lessons are ingrained in you. "A woman who is, at her core, not good enough, tarnished." "If they want it, they can take it. What you want or don't want is irrelevant." "If I was a good girl, I would've left. I didn't do anything. I let him. I let him. I let him. I. Let. Him. My fault." "If you do nothing, it's your fault. Even if you are a child. Even if you are scared." "You are not a treasure." "You wanted it and he knew it." And xTx still thinks, "I got off easy." Yet her reflections on those times, as she meets other women and learns of their experiences, have led her to the realization that everything she learned as a child was not "what you get for being a girl." Instead, "None of this was supposed to happen. Didn't have to happen. I wasn't supposed to have a score. None of us were."

In Zoë Medeiros' essay Why I Stopped, she discusses how differently people can process their trauma. Talking about what happened to her didn't help her, but there were a lot of other things that did, from watching specific tv shows to reading other people's stories. Eventually, she realized that "not telling my story doesn't mean it didn't happen. I don't have to be open about my experiences, about all of them or even any of them, to be a real survivor. I am a real survivor because I survived, even if some days it feels like I didn't survive at all." It's not anyone else's business, and no one else's place to decide what your experiences mean to you, and YOU are the one who gets to decide what you share. "You don't owe anything to anyone. Your story is not the currency you exchange for love, for understanding, for getting what you need."

In the same vein, Stacey May Fowles writes in To Get Out From Under It: "It seems that, if something makes you feel better, it is a healthy option. Want to sleep all day? That's okay. Drink too much? That can be a valid coping choice. Isolating yourself via a fear of the outside world? Self-preservation is important." My biggest take away is this: be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the space you need to process, to heal, to survive. And that's good advice for dealing with anything life might be throwing at you, whether it be sexual violence, depression, or a death of a loved one. Be as kind and generous to yourself as you would be to your best friend.

Once again, I encourage everyone to pick up this book. Yes, it is difficult to read at times. It might be even more difficult for you to read than it was for me. But it will hopefully be worth it. And I'll leave you with a few more quotes to help convince you.

"I was angry beyond belief, but I had nowhere to put that anger. The shelves of my heart were full." - All the Angry Women, Liz Lenz

"The surfaces of my empathy became calloused." - Introduction, Roxane Gay

"I didn't want to be a part of their mourning. I didn't want to be involved in someone else's grief when I knew so little about how to deal with my own." - Spectator: My Family, My Rapist, and Mourning Online, Brandon Taylor

"I know what it's like to feel invisible as a child and I imagine it feels the same as an adult. But it's a pretty sorry situation when the choice is either objectification by intimidating strangers or invisibility." - The Luckiest MILF in Brooklyn, Lynn Mellick

"H. says, "I'm here to listen if you want to tell me." And then, "If you don't want to speak, I am still here."" - & the Truth is, I Have No Story, Claire Schwartz

View all my reviews

Joseph Anton

Joseph Anton: A Memoir by Salman Rushdie
My rating: 3 of 5 stars

It was while reading I Am Malala earlier this year that I first heard that Salman Rushdie had a fatwa against him for many years after the publication of The Satanic Verses. Years ago, I had read Haroun and the Sea of Stories and loved it, and so I had placed several of his other books on my to-do list, though I had never gotten around to reading them. Malala's brief mention of Rushdie's fatwa made me curious about his backstory, so I downloaded his memoir to listen to next.

Salman's story is indeed quite fascinating, and I pity him for the life of seclusion he was forced to live for so many years. I agree that literary expression should not be censored just because people don't like what one has written, or find it offensive. In the end, it's just a book, and if you don't like it, no one is forcing you to read it. There's lot of books out there that I find personally and morally offensive, but I don't think they should be burned, or their authors murdered.

As for the writing of this book, the prose is certainly compelling and beautiful, though I still find it a bit odd that he wrote his own memoir in the third person. I feel like choosing to use that particular narrative device gave himself as the author some distance from himself as the character, and also provided a feeling of objectivity of the account that we don't always believe of personal remembrances. Everyone remembers events differently, and the use of the 3rd person narrator implies facts and objectivity where in actuality we have memories and subjectivity. I wonder how each of his wives (all of them now ex-wives) would describe these same events, and who would seem a more reliable narrator, Salman or the women. Marianne in particular is not described in particularly kind terms, and I'm left with the general impression that she is an unstable, compulsive liar, who only married Salman because he was rich and famous, and never really loved him. Is that true? Or just how Salman remembers things? What about the odd way he described Padma Lakshmi, now of Top Chef fame? From what I hear, her memoir is not very kind to him, either.

I particularly enjoyed the sections where Salman described how he crafted and created each book. He clearly loves writing and these works become like children to him. The thought and care and work that goes in to each one is fascinating. Haroun and the Sea of Stories is one of my favorites, and I loved hearing how his son encouraged him the write it, and helped him along the way. I completely understand why he refused to change anything in it for the publishers - how could he ruin what was a special, unique gift for his son?

There were also sections that were so detailed that they became repetitive and tedious - I'm not sure we needed to know about every house change, and every conversation between every person Rushdie ever spoke with, and the back and forth and back and forth and back and forth of what was negotiations with Iran and then what wasn't and so on. Clearly Rushdie had major issues with the way the British government handled the fatwa, the negotiations with Iran (or lack there of), his persecution in the press, and his protection.

I did appreciate how much he lauded his many friends for supporting him and helping him out so graciously over the years. His effluent praise was so frequently that I have to think that he wasn't just keeping a journal during this time, he must have been taking meticulous notes of where he went and who he saw and what happened each and every day. How was he moving these journals around with him? Did he ship them off to his agent for safekeeping? Did friends store them for him? I'm not sure he would have trusted anyone not to try to read them. His journals also never forgot a slight against him, and he chronicled each of those, as well, calling out people who hurt and offended him.

In the end, the book was just too long by a mile, and could had benefited from a drastic editing process. By the time I made it halfway through, I just wanted things to move along, but I knew I still had a ways to go, so I tried to push through as fast as I could. Maybe that's the primary drawback to an audiobook - you can multitask and listen while you're doing other things, but it's much harder to "skim" when you get to a section you're not as interested in. If I could pull out just parts about writing, I would recommend that book to everyone. As it is, I would have to say that, despite being glad that I read it, I would only recommend this book to big fans of Rushdie, or those interested in middle eastern culture, politics, and religion.

View all my reviews

The Elementals

The Elementals by Michael McDowell
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

SPOILERS AHEAD

A super-atmospheric horror story that is more frightening and insidious than any normal crime fiction could possibly be. This book creeped me out so hard that I had to stop reading it at night. Even in the light of day, I was getting shivers. I think that's a testiment to how well it's written. I honestly don't even want to write a long review because even thinking about it is creepy, haha.

It would be nice to think that the Elementals, whatever they truly are, were destroyed with the destruction of Beldame, first by fire, then by storm. But India's pronouncement at the end, that Leigh's babies were Savages, not McCrays, plus the creepy story about the mother buried alive who ate her dead baby (ugh gross) makes me think the Elementals are unbreakbly linked to the Savage family itself, and they will never be able to outrun them in the end. Eeeeeeek. 😳😱

View all my reviews

Six of Crows

Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

SPOILERS AHEAD!

A fun, dangerous heist story, with a good dose of fantasy and magic mixed in. I loved that the narrator changed with every chapter - it let us get to know each of the characters personally, and see them each from an outside perspective as well. I basically want to give the whole crew a big hug, and then spirit them away to somewhere safe. I enjoy them all in their own ways, but I have to admit, I have a favorite.

I love Inej so much. SO MUCH. She is fierce and sneaky and deadly, but also kind and softhearted. She has been through so much, and was at a loss for a long time on what she wanted out of life, and if she even deserved happiness anymore after all the things she'd been forced to do (and all the things she'd chosen to do to survive). I loved watching her grow and develop a plan for her own future that isn't dependent on what a man wants. I love that, as much as she cares for Kaz, she's not going to sacrifice herself and her future for him if he's not willing to meet her at least halfway.

Speaking of Kaz, I have so much sympathy for him. He was also dealt a poor hand in life, and I'm still not sure how he actually battled, fought, and conned his way to the position he is in now. Clearly Kaz has skillz, but he also has a deadly determination to read his goal: making the man responsible for his brother's death and his own anxiety issues pay. Up until Kaz meets and gets to know and falls in love with Inej, that goal is the only thing that matters, and everything else is just either there to help him or in the way. Inej makes things different for him, though. With Inej, Kaz can see a tiny glimpse of the future he never even dreamed of, one where maybe he is happy, and healthy, and can finally work through the emotional and physical issues he's been dealing with since his brother's death. Of course, the second Kaz lets those thoughts sneak into his brain, his plans go awry, and Inej, despite her deadliness, is captured.

Pretty much the only thing I disliked about this is how it "ended" -- because it's not a true ending!! This is the first in a series, which I'm not opposed to, but instead of this adventure wrapping up, and us getting to see where people head next, we're basically being dragged into a whole new book if we want to make sure our favorites are ever going to be safe. Obviously, I'm going to keep reading, but I can't say I'm thrilled to be getting a "let's all rescue the girl" story instead of a "check out this amazing girl as she hunts down slavers" story.

View all my reviews

I'll Be Gone in the Dark

I'll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer by Michelle McNamara
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

A fascinating, intensely researched profile of one of my most prolific serial rapists and murderers in US history, with in-depth analysis of his crimes and the many investigations searching for "the responsible" over the decades. At the time of writing and publication, the Golden State Killer, aka East Area Rapist, or EAR, had not been caught. Although investigators held out hope that DNA evidence and tenacity would eventually bring them the right lead, this book held the only conclusion it's author, Michelle McNamara, could write for it at the time of her death: her prophetic look into the future, where she had no doubt he would eventually be discovered and apprehended.

"This is how it ends for you. 'You'll be silent forever, and I'll be gone in the dark,' you threatened a victim once. Open the door, show us your face. Walk into the light."

Part of me wishes I had read this book right after its publication, so I could have know all the facts about the GSK, and speculated on who he was along with Michelle and thousands of others. What joy and shock would I have felt to read the headline, "Golden State Killer Apprehended" after knowing so much about the horrors he inflicted on so many? Reading this book now, knowing the name and face of the killer primary makes me feel relieved: he's not out there anymore. He's been caught. Hopefully the victims and their families can feel some sort of relief after so many years in limbo.

What I am also curious about, though, is how the details of this man's life compare to all the speculation and theories that Michelle, the investigators, and the Internet groups discussed over the years. There were theories about how and where he grew up, where he lived, what his job was. We know now he was a police officer for some of the years he was active criminally: how does that play in to the way he seemed to easily evade capture back in the day? I'm hoping that one day, perhaps once his trial is over and he is in jail, someone will write an article or book to help answer these questions, to help explain how he flew under the radar for so long, and to detail exactly how investigators finally caught him.

I have no doubt that Michelle's hard work and detail, persistent research helped the investigation to finally track down and catch this criminal, and I hope that somewhere, she could see it, and rest easy, knowing her work was done.

View all my reviews