The Astonishing Color of After

The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD

Deep, moving, heartfelt, capturing both the heartbreaking pain and sadness of losing someone you love, and also the painful awkwardness of growing up and falling in love. Add in ghosts and mystical birds and magical incense that takes you into memories, and you have a modern day fantasy that feels more real than not. Leigh's grief itself is so real to me, tangible in a way.

The key message I hope people are left with is this: depression is completely normal and treatable and doesn't always have a reason. Sometimes it just is. As a society and as individuals, we need to destigmatize depression by talking about it openly, so that if you or someone you love needs help, there will be no shame or embarrassment in asking for it. The best thing you can do is love them and support them and try to get them the help that they need. But if, for whatever reason (or no reason at all), their disease takes them from you, it is NOT your fault. There's nothing you could have done different to save them. You are not to blame.

Despite all the mystical yet completely believable elements in this book, when we reached the end, and found out the truth about Feng, I was shocked. Looking back, it makes sense, but it was totally unexpected. With Leigh's insomnia, increasing instability, and exhaustion, it would be easy to play off her visions and experiences as fantasy, the side effects of grief and trauma. But to me, there is incontrovertible evidence that *something* mystical was actually taking place: the box of letters and photos that was burned in Taipei yet ended up on Leigh's doorstep. Her knowledge of Feng and all those past memories that there is no other way for her to know. All of Axel's email drafts being sent, and the strange photo on his phone. I can't bring myself to believe it was all a group hallucination, part of a joint grieving process.

There's something about the way color is used to express emotion in the book that feels really unique, both in the way Leigh and Axel describe their feelings in terms of color to one another, and in the way Leigh works through her mother's depression and afterwards her own grief: "Once upon a time we were the standard colors of a rainbow, cheery and certain of ourselves. At some point, we all began to stumble into the in-betweens, the murky colors made dark and complicated by resentment and quiet anger. At some point, my mother slid so off track she sank into hues of gray, a world drawn only in shadows." "My mother's dying soaked down through the carpet, through the wood. When it was done with the bedroom, it took over our house, and then it moved on to me. It soaked through my hair and skin and bone, through my skull and deep into my brain. Now it's staining everything, leaking the blackest black into the rest of the world." As Leigh tries to find her mother, the bird stands out as a bring spot of red, while Leigh is surrounded by tones of gray and black: the incense burning, the ashes left over, the cracks in the world around her, and eventually the ink that she sees invading their apartment, so similar to the darkness she has felt creeping over her life. Her decision to start incorporating color into her art, which had previously been dominated by shades of grey and black, is a real turning point towards hope and healing.

There's also the message of not being afraid to do or say what you want. Dory's parents' disapproval of her artistic goals and American marriage are echoed by Leigh's father's disapproval of her obsession with art. Similarly, the bravery with which Dory's left her family and cane to the states to marry a man her gut told her to trust is an inspiration to Leigh to finally tell Axel the truth: that she's loved him for years, and can't imagine life without him. In the end, Dory's parents came to regret their harsh words to their daughter, which cost them their relationship with her and kept them out of Leigh's life up to this point. I'm guessing that seeing the eventual consequences of denying who your child is and what they want to do was part of the impetuous for Leigh's father to finally relent on his obsession that she pick a more "practical" life goal.

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