We Are the Ants

We Are the Ants by Shaun David Hutchinson
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

SPOILERS AHEAD

Both a deeply touching story of loss, grief, and misery, and an existential journey of self-discovery. Henry starts and ends the both saying the same words: "When we're gone, the world will forget we ever existed. It doesn't matter." What changes over the course of 6 months and this book is what he *means* by those words.

For much of the book, Henry wrestles with how to live in a world where his boyfriend, his other half, doesn't exist. What's the point when nothing we do matters in the grand scheme of the universe? When faced with the decision to save the universe or let it be destroyed, Henry figures the world is better off dead. Eventually, through his relationships with his family, with Audrey, and with Diego, Henry realizes that life can go on and HE can go on, but not without admitting the truth to the ones who love him: he is not okay, and he needs help.

While Henry lived in the past, Diego was focused on ignoring it. He didn't want to be the guy who went to juvie for beating up his dad, the guy whose own mom wouldn't support him, and kept returning to her abuser. Diego wanted to focus on the future, and figure out who he was and who he wanted to be. Diego wanted Henry in his future and didn't necessarily understand why Henry couldn't let go of the past.

What these guys learned together was the mantra Henry had inscrinbed on the journal he gives Diego: "Remember the past, live the present, write the future." It's all about balance: you can't live in the past, but you can't ignore what you've been through. You need to live in the now, and look to the future, and write your own story of who you want to become.

I don't want to talk about Marcus, but I feel like I need to mention him. As much as he is the villain in this story, I do have a tiny piece of understanding for him. Let me be clear: Marcus deserved everything he got, and much, much more, but his actions definitely came from a place of desperation and self-loathing, and I hope he gets the help he needs so that he learns from his actions and never hurts anyone ever again. And that's all I'll say about him.

I can't imagine that any of these characters are completely over their issues. Henry might always feel guilt over Jesse's death and moving on (I wasn't good enough, I loved him too much, I didn't love him enough), Diego definitely has some overprotective anger issues to work on, Charlie and Zooey will always mourn for and miss their Evie. But no one is perfect, and no one has everything all figured out. Like Audrey tells Henry, you might not be good enough for Diego, but he's not good enough for you either, and maybe that makes you perfect for each other.

In th end, it doesn't matter if the world forgets who we are, what we did, who we loved. "The universe may forget us, but our light will brighten the darkness for eons after we've departed this world. The universe may ........ we may not get to choose how we die, but we *can* choose how we live."

So the big question: was Henry really abducted by aliens? Was there really a button to press? Did the world end on January 29, 2016? Despite my curiosity, I can only conclude one thing: it doesn't matter. Like anything after the ending of this book, our future is unwritten, and you can change, grow, and be who you want to be, the best version of yourself.

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