Optimists Die First

Optimists Die First by Susin Nielsen
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

SPOILERS AHEAD

A heart breaking story of grief, loss, and guilt. It's hard enough dealing with the death of someone you love, let alone if you blame yourself for their death. It doesn't even really matter if it's *really* your fault, the guilt weighs heavily on you all the same. When I say this book made me cry, I'm not talking about small, gentle tears at a moment of sadness. I'm talking about full-on sobs, with me trying to wipe the tears away so I could see enough to drive, and sitting at my car at red lights hoping no one thinks I'm a crazy person. I was that emotionally invested.

I love this ragtag crew of kids that eventually became not just friends, but family. There's no surprise that they each have their own debilitating issues. The important part, though, is that they each came together to help one another in their own unique ways. Petula, with her constant pessimism, hypochondria, paranoia, and isolationism, might not seem like the kind of person who could provide comfort, but she was holding her family together single-handedly, and when these guys needed her, she was there, despite her fears. When Ivan needed to have a fake funeral for his mom to replace the one he'd been forced to miss, not only did Tula bring a shovel and make a tiny coffin, she went on a bus for him, hopped 2 fences for him, and went into a cemetery for him.

I get why Tula and Ivan were reluctant to trust Jacob again. Not only had he lied to them, it was a BIG lie. Knowing didn't change who Jacob was as a person, but it couldn't help but color their opinion of him, and once someone has lied to you once, it's hard to know if anything they are saying is true. I think what hurt Tula the most was that Jacob originally started hanging out with her to help her, not because he truly liked her. In the end, I'm glad Tula and Jacob decided to give their relationship another shot - end the end, they were really good for one another.

The hardest parts to read were about Tula's sister Max's death, and the aftermath. Her loss not only wrecked Tula, it broke up her friendship with her best friend Rachel and eventually drove her parents apart because they just couldn't grieve in the same ways. Tula and Rachel's fight, once we heard all of it, was so painful. Rachel didn't do anything wrong, and Tula was at fault, but I can understand the anger and pain and jealousy she was lashing out with. One of the best moments in the book was when Tula was able to finally look at Rachel's brother Owen and feel peace. "Owen didn't make me miss Maxine because he wasn't Maxine." That grief never really fades, but it becomes less tender over times.

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